Maybe should read this but dont be mad at me

Sebenernya gue udah lama banget pengen nulis ini. Gue udah mati-matian diem gak ngungkapin apa yang ada di otak gue dan gue pikir oh nice, now I'm the coward one. Hell yes if I am a coward, but at least I'm decreasing the possibilities that I'm gonna ruin your freakin hairs or your freakin faces. Because once when when I talk, I cant stop. AND YES I'm talking to lots of people right now.

I totally admit I dont smile a lot. Like, seriously you're judging people about how much they smile. I have no responsibility to tell you about my freakin reason why I'm living my life this way. About how often I dont smile and how much I'm doing this flat expression like a meaningless mannequin. I'm not choosing my life as a anti social person but please believe me when I say I just cant 'talk' and not really sure how to 'talk'. It's just super accurate that I prefer my earphone and I live with it 24 hours a day. 

Like, people have their own problems and I have to take it all by myself because I dont want people to label me with their own opinion. The only person I'm throwing it all is just my Pakistani friend, Os. He's just so kind and humble and he would just send me random video in the middle of our convos and I thought, why isnt everybody doing the things he does?

I've been telling myself for my whole life I wont saying em all this way but y'all insist me to do it just let's make it clear.

I'm not standing to be your maids and not gon be one of it. I'm not gonna work on your ass while you're chilling with your cell phone and your nonsense mouth. I'm way more patient about how y'all treat me like if you need me, you'll come to me. And when you didnt, you'll walk like we dont even know each other. I would like to say I'm pretty sad with that situation but you make me live this way so I didnt tell anyone before. From 5 person that I texted today about something important, only one person replied.

People never told what I did wrong. Wait, I'm not gonna say "but Dev, you should realize it by yourself". I should but Y'ALL just ignore me. What I'm supposed to do? Yelling in front of the class to look at me and talk to me? Arguing with me? And tell me di I do wrong? I'll be just a one woman standing. You push me to do it withouth you have to realize. Please dont roll your eyes and say I'm an idiot. At least I wont make you ashamed if next time you want me to argue with you.

"Oh, it's your parents' fault for raising such an idiot like you, Dev. You're pathetic!"

Oh, believe me, I've been hearing those kind of senteces since I'm like 10. So you dont have to remind me about that, really.

I'm so sorry if I'm a coward to say this through my blog. I'm not sure you're ready for my argument like I did several years ago as a freshmen in high school.